Tonight is the eve of a series of CT scans of my body early in the morning. I am supposed to be scanned every three months but due to the pandemic I have put it off for nearly one year. I hate these scans with iodine contrast. The iodinated procedure enhances the visibility of cancer pathologies and vascular structures and organs. I will have three scans due to the multiple sites of my cancers four years ago.
I am trying my best to practice gratitude and to remain in a State of Gratitude this week, but it is harder than usual because I feel anxious regarding the possible results. I do not have any symptoms which gives me confidence that everything will be ok. But, I read the literature and know the odds for my health each year, so I am not denying what result may appear.
It is such an interesting experience to go through: do I pray for good health and make all kinds of promises to God and others? Do I feel gloomy and accepting? Do I feel gratitude and joy only if my results are good once again? Do I feel gratitude and joy because I have already beat the odds and have had more time than I ever believed possible?
Last evening I spent several hours with a friend who has breast cancer for 13 years. It has come back three times and this time she had a double mastectomy and a more aggressive type of tumor. She is deciding about chemo and radiation, or alternative treatments. It was important to support her in her recent pain and discovery I believe. But, will I have a surprise too in the next few days? As I was leaving she noted that we are now “sisters” through our common experiences. I commented that we are wiser than most because we appreciate each day, each moment, and we do not waste an hour of life.
I feel prepared intellectually to accept the results, good or bad, of this next series of CT scans. I feel blessed for my good health thus far. I am grateful for the longer life I have been given. It is sad to learn about the impact of cancers on others over and over.
I write this posting to say that I am grateful for all that I have had in life thus far, but that living in a State of Gratitude has moments of anxiety too. I pray for peace of mind this evening and tomorrow, and am grateful for life’s blessings. Be blessed and grateful, always!